affirmatiuons

what alife !!!! my presnt state is a result of my past actions and now i am paying the price. when iwas younger my health was not priority and now i am afflict ed with kidney disease. my kidneys have failed and now i have to undergo dialysis in order to survive. now presently in order to help in my general well being i have been exercising. have always wondered why i been given this disease ! shouting to the heavens why me !!!!! but i know the reasons i have been neglecting my health and always doing things only for pleasure. luckily i have met the best bosses in the world!! in s'pore i am also been help by the nkf and also by medisave and medishield making it affordable to undergo dialysis. there is no cure for kidney failure and the only treatment is dialysis or to go for a kidney transplant. to qualify for a transplant there many processes to go thru to even to be put on the transplant list. i am going for some scans in sept to see if i can qualify to be on the list. being on dialysis is a big hassle and even after 10 months i am still feel weaken bt the treatments. eating and drinking no longer bring joy with my weight been check during every dialysis session. and also my bllod tests have shown no improvement in my health so i am sad

PRAGMATIC APPROACH

We in singapore are a very pragmatic and practical. When i was told that i have to undergo dialysis my 1st thoughts were was i able to afford the treatments. I was of course sad to have kidney failure but the financial aspect was more important. In singapore we have a nation wide savings and insurance call the CPF where 2O% of my salary goes into tis fund. The problem is that the fund is regulated by law and there is a limit on the amount i can use on a monthly basis the singapore govt policy have been to have tis fund last on a long term basis. I am feeling the effects of this policy and sometimes i have to pay cash to cover for my medical expenses even though i have enough funds in my account.

The holiday season - torture time

As a kidney patient on dialysis this is my 1st time "celebrating" the holiday season while on dialysis. Being on dialysis is about control and resisting temptation esp on food and fluid, if you read my other posts you will know i am a food addict. Now the question becomes do i avoid my frriends and family invites to their homes ????? The major activity in such gatherings is to eat and be merry but i am not able to eat and drink freely amd my resistance to these temptations is very weak !!! I also do not want to dampen anybody joy with my sickness but i must try .

THE BATTLE OF THE FATS

The battle and challenges of a being a kidney patient on dialysis is about control but the control of even not drinking too much plain water cannot be easily understand by others when telling friends that drinking too much plain water is harmful to my health can see the disbelief in their eyes and posture

my goal now is to lose weight WHY ??? i ask myself this question also it is because my goals in life has changed and there is not too many goals to shoot for. my future is very bleak and can only look forward to almost nothing. i have set the losing weight goal to give me some purpose.

FACTS ABOUT THE FATS

I am a kidney patient for about 4 months now and it is a life time struggle. this disease has a few limitations that is very difficult to follow i am a goal orientated person now my goal is now to remain pain free and to lose weight. during one dialysis section i put myself on a very strict diet and went swimming for 4 hrs straight jus before my dialysis section and after my dialysis while q-ing for my food my blood pressure dipped and iwas so weak that i collapse to the floor. the people from the coffeeshop was scolding and shouting at me for being a drunk ?!! luckily someone had the presence of mind to call for the ambulance and i was hospitalised for 4 days

IN CONTROL

I now as a kidney is getting use to the life my food intake and fluid control it takes all of my will power to curb my desires but now i seem to be winning the battle. I have decided to cook more often and with me not putting in ant salt in my food i am able to control my thirst. The food i cook is not delicious and very bland i try to spice up the dishes with the addition of more chillies but still the food i cook can only be eaten by me.

Inbetween dialysis i am only suppose to gain a maximum of 2,5kg the last dialysis i only gain 1.9kg but this is a long battle and i must keep at it and this process last forever until i expire. I am still addicted to drinking water but since i cut down on my salt or sodium intake the thirst is not so unbearable.

I am now in hospital waiting for my fistula or graft operation. A surgeon creates an AV fistula b y connecting an artery directly to a vein. I am in singapore genral hospital or SGH.

SGH is singapore premier hospital and is almost running at full capacity. SGH is very proffesionally run with many set procudures and rules and bending of the rules is not tolerated. Even before you allowed to be warded even if a doctor has sign off you will have to prove to the hospital that you are able to afford treatment. WISH ME LUCK MY OPERSATION IS THE MORNING OF 14 OF OCT 2010

UN-BLESS LIFE

I have been afflictred by kidney failure and i have been on dialysis for about 2 months this is retribution or karma for a life led by apathy and carelessness towards my health.

Many years i have been living alone and caring for nothing except for my daily livelihood and expenses. i have always been a loner and it was never a problem for me i love to do things in isolation reading have always been a passion, watching movies on dvd have always occupy my time leisurly.

During my younger years my focus have always been on money and career i am cheerful guy and i would easily get work up and i am also sometimes too focus on the task on hand that i brush off and offend people. I have one major failing is that i am lousy at "tripod management"- is the currying of favors of my immediate superiors at work, when i was working i would resist most of the suggestions made by my then bosses but i would put in long hours and perform tasks not wanted by my colleagues. i was tolerated at work because of this but socially i was a cast off and would definitely get voted off if this was an episode of "survivor"

My attitude towards my health always been of avoidance i did not care about my health and would always go on eating binges but stuffing myself on the buffet table and i would especially devour the desserts. i do not smoke nor drink but i am a food and plain water addict and now i am being punish for living this kind of life living an un-bless life and in singapore getting treatment is all about money and i am very worried on whether i can afford treatment in the near future.